Thursday, October 7, 2010

Dom Shopping

I thought I'd use these next few posts to address some questions that keep popping up over and over. For this installment, let's start with the most important issue for submissive women eager to explore their inner sluts: how to find a good Dom.

Red Flags

Whether you're browsing Craigslist, surfing Fetlife, or just checking out a local BDSM munch or play party, one of the first things you'll notice is the ratio: for every cute girl in her 20s or 30s, there are about ten horny dudes who cover the entire spectrum of age, experience, body type, and overall quality. Regardless of your personal preferences, here are some warning signs that every would-be sub should be on the lookout for:

Expecting or demanding submission: Submission is NOT an obligation you automatically sign up for by posting a profile and listing yourself as a submissive. Submission is something you feel, that feeling depends on attraction, respect, and trust, and those all have to be earned.

Cock pics: You'll see plenty of these, I promise. From my fairly extensive experience in the BDSM community, I can tell you for a fact that anyone who sends you one in an email is guaranteed to be a complete tool with poor taste and even poorer judgment. Are those the qualities you want in someone who's going to take total control over your body?

Pushiness: Also known as 'desperation.' It's one thing for a guy to show interest in a confident and respectful way. But when he nags you relentlessly or acts bitchy when you don't instantly respond to his emails, it means he probably has nothing better to do with his time, and he probably has no other girls who want to chat with him, meet for drinks, and play. And what do we think of guys who no other girl wants to talk to? Exactly: probably not someone you want to talk to either.

Full of shit: Believe it or not, there are a lot of self-described 'Doms' out there who have never done this before. Some are just pretending to be experienced because, well, you have to start somewhere. Others are just horny dudes who want to get laid, and they assume kinky girls are easier than the vanilla type. Naturally, if you just want some horny douche to stick his dick in you, you can go to any bar in Hollywood and find a dozen drunk and unemployed actors who'll be happy to oblige. And sure, it's no fun being stuck in that 'need experience to get experience' catch-22, but even something as simple as tying your wrists can cause a serious injury if the guy doesn't know what he's doing. These people probably do need a girl who doesn't mind being the guinea pig who gets her kidneys flogged and her nerves compressed, but do you want that to be your first BDSM experience? If your answer is 'fuck no,' as it should be, then be on the lookout for guys who can't tell you specifically what they like, who sound like they're trying too hard to sound dominant, who don't make an effort to learn about your interests and experiences, and who generally sound like they're faking it.

Be a Smart Shopper

Now that you have an idea of when to use that 'block' button in your email or Fetlife profile, let's get into some tips on how you can screen out the 25% or so who make it through your initial dipshit filter.

Be a Dom: Remember, your body and sensations are your own until you choose to give them to that special someone who will control and use you in just the right way. What do you think would happen if you walked into a car dealership, all wide-eyed and smiling, with no knowledge of the product and no idea what questions to ask? You'll meet a charming salesman who'll promise you the best deal in the world, you'll drive off the lot in a clean shiny car with plenty of cup holders and places to put your purse, you'll be flat broke with an absurdly high car payment, and the engine will explode before you can send your first illegal text message. Sadly, the world is full of unscrupulous predators who will be more than happy to exploit your trust, then laugh about what a sucker you were with their predator friends at the titty bar. Being submissive doesn't make you a sucker, so don't let yourself be pushed around. Treat the guys you email with the same trust, respect, honesty, and openness you'd show to anyone, but expect and demand the same in return. Don't be rushed.

Ask questions: Start with his interests. Ask what he likes and why. Then ask for specifics. How does he do these things he likes? How does he train, torture, humiliate, etc…? If he can't answer those questions, he's either a moron or he doesn't know the answers. Neither is a good sign.

Follow simple but critical safety rules: A lot of the guys you'll meet in the D/s lifestyle, either online or in person, are pretty decent human beings. But some are not, and until you have a good sense of their personal character, you have to be polite but firm about treating everyone as if they're the Craigslist Killer. First, don't give anyone any personal information beyond your first name. NEVER give out your last name or your address. Phone numbers can always be changed, but you're better off not giving that out either until you're sure the person you've been chatting with won't leave you twenty angry and profane voicemails per day if you decide he's too sketchy to play with. When you're planning to meet for the first time, he'll probably suggest a public place like a Starbucks or a bar. If he doesn't, that means he's either inexperienced or oblivious to your concerns, and those should count as red flags.

Be decisive when the time is right: Throughout this process, try to remember that the type of Dom you're looking for is probably the same type most other girls are looking for. And if you haven't realized this already, you'll learn soon enough that the ratio of cute girls to good Doms is about as bad as the ratio of horny male kinksters to cute girls. High demand and short supply means that these guys have options. If you take your time to kick the tires and ask all the reasonable questions you have, you should be ready to pull the trigger on a relaxed face-to-face meeting for coffee or drinks when he brings it up. If you're not, it's possible that you're not quite ready to move to that stage with anyone yet, and you might need some more time to consider whether this is what you really want. If that's the case, that's perfectly fine. But if you are ready and you make your prospective Dom jump through too many hoops, he WILL move on. After all, for all he knows, you might be a gay plumber in Cleveland.

Listen to your gut: Ultimately, those gut feelings are all any of us have. If we ignore them, we're lost. So always, always listen to those doubts and apprehensions in the back of your head and act accordingly.

There's no need to be paranoid. Remember, this is supposed to be fun. As long as you use common sense and let each contestant prove himself to be a tool before you treat him like one, this will be a fun process, you'll learn a ton, and the end result will probably be even more thrilling and intense than you imagined. So be patient, do your homework, be safe, and happy perving.

No comments:

Post a Comment